Anger.

I don't even know how to begin this post. No one ever grows up thinking they won't ever get the chance to be a parent. I played with my dollies, called them my babies. Then i got older and never really thought about being a mother. Oh i knew i would like to have a child someday, but high school & college, becoming a nurse was more important. It's so funny to me that i spent so much money on birth control pills & contraceptives during my early 20's trying to NOT have a baby. And here i am. Almost 30. Without any children. Wondering if i'll ever get my chance to even get pregnant. It's also so freaking ironic that i ended up working in a NICU. Never did i ever think that's where i'd end up. Surrounded by babies. And now i'm angry. I keep waiting for the anger to go away and that i can just find peace.. but i'm always so... angry. Angry isn't the right word.. Bitter?? I'm angry at my neighbor for getting pregnant first and then married. I'm angry at people at work that make getting pregnant look so damn easy. I'm angry about people i went to highschool with facebooking every single solitary moment about their damned perfect pregnancies. It pisses me off. I am angry because i feel alone *(even though i know i'm not)* i still seem to be stuck in this grieving anger stage. It never goes away. I've gotten really really good faking smiles & faking conversations about how "Okay" i am. How happy i am for people. I'm not okay. I'm angry. I feel like i'm not even who i used to be. Because i used to genuinely be happy for no reason. Now i feel like infertility is running my life... practically ruining it. I just want it to end. And that doesn't mean that by end i mean i have to get pregnant.. i just want to find peace. I'm tired of being angry. It's not healthy. How i wish i was little again and i never had to know that sometimes dreams don't come true. :*(