I feel Him calling me...

So today was a busy day and i feel very exhausted. J & I was up extra early today to Race for the Cure and after, we ran some much needed errands. Of course there was some doom lurking above me today. My neighbor's Baby shower was today and, of course, i was expected to be there. I have never really been very open about our "baby situation" with the neighbors.. so i had NO idea how i was going to get through this experience. I haven't been to a baby shower since i found out about our "situation", nor have i really bought baby gifts, or really acknowledge many people's pregnancies. It's so harsh & mean. I don't know why i can't seem to be over enthusiastic about these things for people.. but seriously, i feel like i'm dying everytime i go near a "baby dept", so really sitting around for about 2 hours watching a pregnant chic open up cutesie little onesies and toys and looking at Ultrasound pictures trying to figure out which body part is what really isn't my idea of a "GOOD" time.. but i went. Because it was the neighborly thing to do.. and because my mom said that i was being a poop. And i was. I admit it.

Honestly these days i can't tell you what makes me more sad & upset.. My "baby situation" or the fact that any mention of ANYONE else's pregnancy, baby shower, etc. makes me want to roll my eyes, stomp the ground with my feet, and throw a terrible 2 year old like screaming fit. It amazes me that i can be so childish.

So with all that being said.. as i mentioned before, i went. And it was as i expected.. Horrible. But i faked it... as well as i could i think.. I think i was splotchy & red for most of it. I didn't know ANYONE there but the pregnant girl.. so that increased the "uncomfortable" factor.. But dang it i didn't cry until i left and was sitting at my grandma's house an hour after leaving the baby shower. All those blankets, clothes, & picture frames.. BLAH.

Anywho.. back to my point.. With spring here, bringing the Earth back to fresh & new, my marriage back on track, and a doctor's appointment made for the beginning of the month.. I have never in my life wanted to feel My Lord's prescense with me so much as i do now. I can feel Him calling to me, and telling me to just stop trying to control all these emotions and to let it go. To let this be His will, and to know that His will is being done. I want to feel Him in my heart and be at peace with this. I want to give this up to Him. And yet i'm always so afraid that a part of me won't be able to let it go. I feel like He is giving me so many signs. (I'm not going to name them all, but just know that they are significant to me and that i'm picking up on His hints) I know He wants me to let this go. I can feel it. My little human heart wasn't made to understand this.. and that's okay. I believe this is my lesson. I need to give myself to the Lord completely. I believe that i have allowed myself to be "familiar" with God... but i haven't made a complete connection.. or allow myself to be completely open about our connection.. i know i haven't, otherwise i would feel some sort of peace with all this. But like i said i'm picking up on all this. I feel Him talking to my heart. I feel compelled to read the Bible... i have been. And everytime i open it, i find something in it that i can apply to the "baby situation." He knows exactly what page to lead me to. It's amazing to me. I told J today that i NEED to find a church family.. and I NEED this with everything that i am. He was shocked i think. lol.. rather i don't think he knew what to say. I asked him to go with me to a few churches to see if we could find a family.. and while he didnt say yes.. he didn't say no.. which in my opinion is unbelievable.. the old J would have said "NO" at the first drop of the word "church." I think God is calling us both. If only you could see all the signs He is giving me, i think you would feel the same i do.

I am closing this blog asking for prayers. Prayers that J & I continue to build a strong connection with Our Lord & Saviour. For only he can fill this void that we feel so deeply. I pray that i can be a good example for J, and show him that there is nothing wrong with asking God for a little help. I ask for prayers that God willl touch J's heart like he has been touching mine. Most of all.. I am just praying.. praying to our Father. Asking my Father for help & guidance.