Well, Here we go.. Again.

Well.. I did it. I made another appointment with the doc's office. It's not till may. So i have a while to think about it... rather.. OVER-think about it. That's what i always do. Ever since i made the appointment i've been kinda edgy. And it's not because i don't want to have a baby.. it's because i don't want to go through all this emotional turmoil again. My appointment is kinda a "do-over" appointment. I haven't seen dr. M since last october, and i feel like i just need to start over. See where my labs are. See if i truely need the metformin the first"quack" put me on to begin with. I dunno. I just don't know how to feel honestly. Honestly i feel like i just want to blink my eyes and have this all go away. I feel like we've been through enough already. I mean.. seriously.. We already have male infertility here.. What if something really is wrong with me. I feel doomed. I feel stupid. What if there was some truth to what the previous doctor i had was telling me. I can't even think about the BIG "what if." The obvious BIG "what if".. What if it never EVER happens, and i never carry a child. What if i don't get to be a mom. I get so hung up on it sometimes. It makes me mean. Every person that makes snide little comments about children, pregnancy, all things baby.. Just feels like someone pierces my gut with a steak knife. It's terrible.. and.. God help me.. the OLDER i get.. the Meaner i get about it... Sometimes i am not able to keep my thoughts to myself. I am convinced sometimes that i think i need a therapist. I don't like feeling mean and nasty. I genuinely like people.. it's just sometimes i feel like a monster because i get so jealous of everyone. Just the other day, my husbands neice posted a blog that said quote, "I'm so tired of being fat and pregnant. I don't feel normal.. i hate this feeling.. i want it out." To which i read this comment and literally felt the rage build inside me till i wanted to pick up the monitor and throw it across the room. Seriously?? She doesn't feel normal?? And what.. I feel normal because i'm 28, married, and with NO children? People are so rude ya know. People ask me if i have children and i always say not yet.. and they're like.. well aren't you married, and i always say.. yup. And then they're like.. So.. What's the problem.. Just get pregnant.. Like it's shopping for shoes. Or they assume i don't like kids because i don't have like 2 yet. I guess being 28 and married with no kids means that you are abnormal. It straight up just PISSES me off. And the fact that i had to make another appointment to yet another doctor to see if i'm remotely "normal" Pisses me off more. Yup.. here we go again.. Here i'm going getting crazier by the blog-post. *sigh*