The Long beginning of our journey...

Well.. hello blogger. My name is Helen. I am new to this blogging thing. I've done the occasional blog on myspace, but never quite like this. I was inspired to start a blog by one of my very good friends from work :) (thanks girlie.. you know who you are!!) My intentions for this lil blog site of mine is for it to be a healthy & creative outlet for myself in which i can complain, cry, be nervous, excited, etc. etc. etc... all whilst on the rocky road of infertility; however.. i have jumped ahead haven't i?? I guess i should start from the beginning.

I am 28 y.o. I am a nurse, and i just happen to work with Babies. (How ironic.) Approximately 5 years ago, i met my husband John. We fell in love. He proposed to me, and the wedding date was set. September 16th, 2006. For reasons that i shall not discuss, on March 17th 2006, My soon to be husband and i sat in a doctors office and had what felt like our hearts ripped out of our chests and stomped to death on the ground. I'll never forget these words from the urologists mouth. I am sorry.. there is nothing I can do. You will never have biological children together. I mean.. really?? NEVER?? There's got to be a mistake.. you mean that it will be hard right?? But not NEVER. I felt like throwing up. Matter of fact.. i was soooooo upset, and completely distraught, and not paying attention to my surroundings that i actually FELL OUT of my chair while leaning forward, ACTING like i could comprehend the lab results the doctor was shoving in my face. Talk about embarrassing.. i mean.. at that point i just started sobbing. I have never seen a doctor get so flustered... I can laugh about it now.. but then.. it felt like i was dying. Not to make this sound like it's all about me either.. J. was very very upset as well.. although, i would never know just how upset for a very long time. Men and their emotions and all.

Well as you can imagine.. my St. Paddy's day will never be the same.. Although.. i don't dread it as much as in the years past. (This year, i plan on fully taking advantage of the green beer.) :)

At that time in our life, planning a wedding, doctor's appointments every few days, our depression, our financial status because of doctor appointments & the wedding.. etc., J. actually said to me.. Helen.. you don't have to marry me. I'll understand. I've never heard such sadness in his voice. And we cried. Of course i was going to marry him.. For better for worse.. right. Life went on. We were married that September and it was a beautiful ceremony. It was a beautiful reception. Unfortunately, looking back at it all.. I really feel like i couldn't properly enjoy it because my depression and sadness wouldn't allow it. No matter where i turned, No matter where i went, No matter even if i shut my eyes... All i could see was babies. And the only words i could hear was "You will NEVER have biological children together.."

Lets fast forward two years. Jan. of 08, we had our first appointment with a very well known infertility clinic. Although, i didn't get to see the doctor i wanted to see in that practice, i decided to just keep an open mind and see what our options were in getting me pregnant. Upon our first meeting with Dr. S., i again felt traumatized and frustrated. It was not a pleasant experience. While entering the room she said to J. & I, "congratulations, you are here because you want to have a baby, Now how long have you been trying to get pregnant, and why do you think you aren't getting pregnant." (Okay, let me explain that J. & I had sat in a consultation room for approximately 45 min before ever seeing anyone, and i had hand written out our ENTIRE medical history, including j.'s surgeries, as well as i had given her every piece of paper charting i kept of my own cycles & temps.) Being a nurse i was upset, because i had ASSUMED that the doc was looking at our chart. I mean really.. 45 min and you have to come in and ASK ME why I'm HERE?? Seriously.. BAD MOVE. After i tell her politely to take a minute to check out our medical history, and filling her in on all our "trauma drama" She then turns to me and says well your only option is to use donor sperm.. (Duh) She then also says to me.. well i think you are too fat to have a baby.. (Now again.. let me tell you that i am overweight.. but not like.. HUGE. I will post a pic later.. you can judge.. lol) She tells me just by looking at me that she's convinced i have PCOS, and that i'll need to lose some weight before trying. Now.. mind you that i've NEVER had any issues with my cycles. I was very distraught. I bought all of it, kinda.. In the back of my head i was thinkin with my nurse brain going .. this person is a QUACK. She put me on so much "herbal" medication, vitamins, metformin, etc. etc. I was making myself soooo sick. I had 2 Ovarian ultrasounds... NEITHER of which EVER showed ANY evidence of cysts on my ovaries. All my hormones were normal... although she convinced me that it must have been a fluke. And that my testosterone level couldn't have been right. That it was probably high.. but there's not a good way to test for it in women. (shoulda been my first clue) Well.. 8 months of loosing weight, taking pills, and going through yet again a bout of craziness, I get told that Dr. S. was leaving the practice, and that i was getting a new dr. (Apparently Dr. S. got "Kicked" out of the practice for diagnosing EVERY patient she had with PCOS.) Hmmm.. problem??

I met with Dr. M twice at the end of last year. The first time, he told me he was sure i was pretty normal, and didn't have PCOS.. that sure, i could stand to loose some weight, but who couldn't?? He also told me that he DOES think that i might need to be on some "low dose" clomid to ensure a "healthy" egg since my cycles last 26-28 days. He also recommended me to have an HSG to make sure that my tubes are open. (Good news.. they ARE!!) He basically said.. okay.. you get your donor, and we'll get you pregnant.. but.. the damage was kinda done....

It's a good thing that i got scared and didn't go back to the doctor for a bit. J. was affected by a lay-off... i had to work mega-OT. We lost his "infertility" benefits.. so back to paying for EVERYTHING outta pocket. Talk about stressing & getting crazy again. J. & I went through some tough tough times at the end of last year/beginning of this year. Financially, Spiritually, & Emotionally. I am proud to say though.. even at our worst, we were able to overcome everything and still remain happily married. Now with 7,000 in the savings account, feeling more in love with each other, we feel like this might be the time to start trying to get pregnant. And here i am.. SCARED. Scared, saddened, excited, scared, frustrated, scared.. did i mention that i'm scared?? I'm not used to things going smoothly. I'm worried about finding out what the next hurdle will be... waiting for the floor to come out from under me again. But i'm finding that the more scared i get the more i keep telling myself to let God handle it. I am only mortal. My worries will do nothing but make me sick, sad, & frustrated. God is the creator of all things.
He will find a way to allow J. & I be parents. Whether it be using a donor & allowing me to carry the child, or us adopting a child, I know God will allow us to be parents. All this trauma, all this drama, all this pain we've gone through so far will make us better & more appreciative.

Well.. that's the beginning. Told ya it was a long one. What a journey it's been so far. I can honestly say though, writing all this down... i'm proud of myself. I'm proud because i can pick myself up and keep moving on. I'm proud of myself for not giving up. I'm proud because i was able to type all this and only cry a few times... lol. :) Welcome to my world bloggers.. it's a crazy one!! Well wishes to all.

H.

**All you need is Love** the beatles.