Sigh.. so St. Patricks Day has been here and gone. Thank goodness. I am glad. I did have a good time.. but it seems the infertility demon continues to laugh at me, all the while making me feel like a really really REALLY CRAPPY friend. My very good friends that i hung out with all day yesterday just married last summer, and i love them. They are perfect for one another.. So tell me why can't i be happy at the thought that they might be trying to get pregnant?? I'll tell you why, because it's the same for ANYONE that i find out is newly pregnant.. I want to be sooo happy for them.. But i can't. Deep down in the pit of my stomach i want to yell and scream and cry. I want to scream why are WE not good enough to have it THIS easy?? It's not fair. I know how juvenile that sounds.. But it's just not fair. Seriously. We work hard. We're nice people. We actually WANT a baby and refuse to look at it like a "downer" or that life is going to be so "hard" when we're pregnant and have a child. That is one thing that really gets to me. My in-laws (all the women) were sitting around the dining room table one holiday talking about how EVERY time they kept getting pregnant they wanted to cry and tell the doctor to take "it" back. That EVERY time they kept getting pregnant they were depressed and just wanted to refuse that "it" wasn't even there. And they really couldn't understand why i got up from the table to go cry by myself in the bathroom. Then they had the nerve to tell my husband that i was just going to have to "suck" it up and "get over it." No one understands what it feels like to hear something like that, when all you want in the world is to wake up one morning/evening puking your guts out for no apparent reason, only to find out that there is a little life growing inside you. No one understands that i would be soooooo unbelievably ecstatic if only my ankles would swell and my back would hurt because i was carrying my husbands child. No one understands but my blogging friends.
There is no solace in this. I feel so... alone. Not to mention like a Horrible friend and person. People at work that are pregnant.. i can't help myself.. someday's i just want them to go away. The neighbor across the street that got pregnant then had a shot-gun wedding to make it seem "okay" like she didn't get pregnant before the wedding... And now my very best friend that i love like my sister who is just talking about having kids... and i can't be happy for her. It pains me to feel like such a jealous, mean person. I feel soo mean. I'm not like that. And i keep all this bottled inside because i don't want people to see how i really feel. The Green Jealous Monster i have become. So i go through life with a fake smile plastered on my face hoping that people won't see the fine cracks begining to show through.
J. keeps telling me that i should just go & get pregnant. Like it's gonna be that easy. As if it's like going shopping, or going to garage to pick up your car. As if it's something that i can just do alone. I don't want to do this alone. But J. has to work all the time being that he's got a new job, and he can't really take anytime off for dr. appointments... and i don't know very many dr.'s with office hours outside the standard 8-5. I don't want to do this Alone.. but everytime i turn around thats exactly how i feel.. Alone.
*sigh* Current Score -- H. - Zero Infertility demon - Infinity.
2 comments:
Helen I feel like this all the time. I feel like a horrible person for it too! I guarantee that anyone who has gone through this has felt that way too. That jealous, sad, envious, depressed feeling. That is why it is great to be on here blogging and making friends on here. We all feel the same way and you are not a horrible person. You are just going through a very difficult time and no one should expect you to be happy for everyone getting what you soo desire. I know the fake smile all too well..and the congratulations...i am so happy for you...all while feeling like you can't breath and trying to hold back the tears until you can get to a private place and just let it out. Love you Helen. You are not alone!
Just a random person who happened to stumble acorss your blog while reading various infertility blogs. I just wanted to thank you for saying everything -- everything -- that I've been feeling in our almost two-year struggle with infertility. I hate feeling like this, but it still catches me unawares and really hurts my soul. Thanks for letting me know that I'm not alone in my reactions and the guilt that accompanies them. You'll be in my prayers.
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