Anger.

I don't even know how to begin this post. No one ever grows up thinking they won't ever get the chance to be a parent. I played with my dollies, called them my babies. Then i got older and never really thought about being a mother. Oh i knew i would like to have a child someday, but high school & college, becoming a nurse was more important. It's so funny to me that i spent so much money on birth control pills & contraceptives during my early 20's trying to NOT have a baby. And here i am. Almost 30. Without any children. Wondering if i'll ever get my chance to even get pregnant. It's also so freaking ironic that i ended up working in a NICU. Never did i ever think that's where i'd end up. Surrounded by babies. And now i'm angry. I keep waiting for the anger to go away and that i can just find peace.. but i'm always so... angry. Angry isn't the right word.. Bitter?? I'm angry at my neighbor for getting pregnant first and then married. I'm angry at people at work that make getting pregnant look so damn easy. I'm angry about people i went to highschool with facebooking every single solitary moment about their damned perfect pregnancies. It pisses me off. I am angry because i feel alone *(even though i know i'm not)* i still seem to be stuck in this grieving anger stage. It never goes away. I've gotten really really good faking smiles & faking conversations about how "Okay" i am. How happy i am for people. I'm not okay. I'm angry. I feel like i'm not even who i used to be. Because i used to genuinely be happy for no reason. Now i feel like infertility is running my life... practically ruining it. I just want it to end. And that doesn't mean that by end i mean i have to get pregnant.. i just want to find peace. I'm tired of being angry. It's not healthy. How i wish i was little again and i never had to know that sometimes dreams don't come true. :*(

I feel Him calling me...

So today was a busy day and i feel very exhausted. J & I was up extra early today to Race for the Cure and after, we ran some much needed errands. Of course there was some doom lurking above me today. My neighbor's Baby shower was today and, of course, i was expected to be there. I have never really been very open about our "baby situation" with the neighbors.. so i had NO idea how i was going to get through this experience. I haven't been to a baby shower since i found out about our "situation", nor have i really bought baby gifts, or really acknowledge many people's pregnancies. It's so harsh & mean. I don't know why i can't seem to be over enthusiastic about these things for people.. but seriously, i feel like i'm dying everytime i go near a "baby dept", so really sitting around for about 2 hours watching a pregnant chic open up cutesie little onesies and toys and looking at Ultrasound pictures trying to figure out which body part is what really isn't my idea of a "GOOD" time.. but i went. Because it was the neighborly thing to do.. and because my mom said that i was being a poop. And i was. I admit it.

Honestly these days i can't tell you what makes me more sad & upset.. My "baby situation" or the fact that any mention of ANYONE else's pregnancy, baby shower, etc. makes me want to roll my eyes, stomp the ground with my feet, and throw a terrible 2 year old like screaming fit. It amazes me that i can be so childish.

So with all that being said.. as i mentioned before, i went. And it was as i expected.. Horrible. But i faked it... as well as i could i think.. I think i was splotchy & red for most of it. I didn't know ANYONE there but the pregnant girl.. so that increased the "uncomfortable" factor.. But dang it i didn't cry until i left and was sitting at my grandma's house an hour after leaving the baby shower. All those blankets, clothes, & picture frames.. BLAH.

Anywho.. back to my point.. With spring here, bringing the Earth back to fresh & new, my marriage back on track, and a doctor's appointment made for the beginning of the month.. I have never in my life wanted to feel My Lord's prescense with me so much as i do now. I can feel Him calling to me, and telling me to just stop trying to control all these emotions and to let it go. To let this be His will, and to know that His will is being done. I want to feel Him in my heart and be at peace with this. I want to give this up to Him. And yet i'm always so afraid that a part of me won't be able to let it go. I feel like He is giving me so many signs. (I'm not going to name them all, but just know that they are significant to me and that i'm picking up on His hints) I know He wants me to let this go. I can feel it. My little human heart wasn't made to understand this.. and that's okay. I believe this is my lesson. I need to give myself to the Lord completely. I believe that i have allowed myself to be "familiar" with God... but i haven't made a complete connection.. or allow myself to be completely open about our connection.. i know i haven't, otherwise i would feel some sort of peace with all this. But like i said i'm picking up on all this. I feel Him talking to my heart. I feel compelled to read the Bible... i have been. And everytime i open it, i find something in it that i can apply to the "baby situation." He knows exactly what page to lead me to. It's amazing to me. I told J today that i NEED to find a church family.. and I NEED this with everything that i am. He was shocked i think. lol.. rather i don't think he knew what to say. I asked him to go with me to a few churches to see if we could find a family.. and while he didnt say yes.. he didn't say no.. which in my opinion is unbelievable.. the old J would have said "NO" at the first drop of the word "church." I think God is calling us both. If only you could see all the signs He is giving me, i think you would feel the same i do.

I am closing this blog asking for prayers. Prayers that J & I continue to build a strong connection with Our Lord & Saviour. For only he can fill this void that we feel so deeply. I pray that i can be a good example for J, and show him that there is nothing wrong with asking God for a little help. I ask for prayers that God willl touch J's heart like he has been touching mine. Most of all.. I am just praying.. praying to our Father. Asking my Father for help & guidance.

Well, Here we go.. Again.

Well.. I did it. I made another appointment with the doc's office. It's not till may. So i have a while to think about it... rather.. OVER-think about it. That's what i always do. Ever since i made the appointment i've been kinda edgy. And it's not because i don't want to have a baby.. it's because i don't want to go through all this emotional turmoil again. My appointment is kinda a "do-over" appointment. I haven't seen dr. M since last october, and i feel like i just need to start over. See where my labs are. See if i truely need the metformin the first"quack" put me on to begin with. I dunno. I just don't know how to feel honestly. Honestly i feel like i just want to blink my eyes and have this all go away. I feel like we've been through enough already. I mean.. seriously.. We already have male infertility here.. What if something really is wrong with me. I feel doomed. I feel stupid. What if there was some truth to what the previous doctor i had was telling me. I can't even think about the BIG "what if." The obvious BIG "what if".. What if it never EVER happens, and i never carry a child. What if i don't get to be a mom. I get so hung up on it sometimes. It makes me mean. Every person that makes snide little comments about children, pregnancy, all things baby.. Just feels like someone pierces my gut with a steak knife. It's terrible.. and.. God help me.. the OLDER i get.. the Meaner i get about it... Sometimes i am not able to keep my thoughts to myself. I am convinced sometimes that i think i need a therapist. I don't like feeling mean and nasty. I genuinely like people.. it's just sometimes i feel like a monster because i get so jealous of everyone. Just the other day, my husbands neice posted a blog that said quote, "I'm so tired of being fat and pregnant. I don't feel normal.. i hate this feeling.. i want it out." To which i read this comment and literally felt the rage build inside me till i wanted to pick up the monitor and throw it across the room. Seriously?? She doesn't feel normal?? And what.. I feel normal because i'm 28, married, and with NO children? People are so rude ya know. People ask me if i have children and i always say not yet.. and they're like.. well aren't you married, and i always say.. yup. And then they're like.. So.. What's the problem.. Just get pregnant.. Like it's shopping for shoes. Or they assume i don't like kids because i don't have like 2 yet. I guess being 28 and married with no kids means that you are abnormal. It straight up just PISSES me off. And the fact that i had to make another appointment to yet another doctor to see if i'm remotely "normal" Pisses me off more. Yup.. here we go again.. Here i'm going getting crazier by the blog-post. *sigh*

St. Patricks Day

Sigh.. so St. Patricks Day has been here and gone. Thank goodness. I am glad. I did have a good time.. but it seems the infertility demon continues to laugh at me, all the while making me feel like a really really REALLY CRAPPY friend. My very good friends that i hung out with all day yesterday just married last summer, and i love them. They are perfect for one another.. So tell me why can't i be happy at the thought that they might be trying to get pregnant?? I'll tell you why, because it's the same for ANYONE that i find out is newly pregnant.. I want to be sooo happy for them.. But i can't. Deep down in the pit of my stomach i want to yell and scream and cry. I want to scream why are WE not good enough to have it THIS easy?? It's not fair. I know how juvenile that sounds.. But it's just not fair. Seriously. We work hard. We're nice people. We actually WANT a baby and refuse to look at it like a "downer" or that life is going to be so "hard" when we're pregnant and have a child. That is one thing that really gets to me. My in-laws (all the women) were sitting around the dining room table one holiday talking about how EVERY time they kept getting pregnant they wanted to cry and tell the doctor to take "it" back. That EVERY time they kept getting pregnant they were depressed and just wanted to refuse that "it" wasn't even there. And they really couldn't understand why i got up from the table to go cry by myself in the bathroom. Then they had the nerve to tell my husband that i was just going to have to "suck" it up and "get over it." No one understands what it feels like to hear something like that, when all you want in the world is to wake up one morning/evening puking your guts out for no apparent reason, only to find out that there is a little life growing inside you. No one understands that i would be soooooo unbelievably ecstatic if only my ankles would swell and my back would hurt because i was carrying my husbands child. No one understands but my blogging friends.

There is no solace in this. I feel so... alone. Not to mention like a Horrible friend and person. People at work that are pregnant.. i can't help myself.. someday's i just want them to go away. The neighbor across the street that got pregnant then had a shot-gun wedding to make it seem "okay" like she didn't get pregnant before the wedding... And now my very best friend that i love like my sister who is just talking about having kids... and i can't be happy for her. It pains me to feel like such a jealous, mean person. I feel soo mean. I'm not like that. And i keep all this bottled inside because i don't want people to see how i really feel. The Green Jealous Monster i have become. So i go through life with a fake smile plastered on my face hoping that people won't see the fine cracks begining to show through.

J. keeps telling me that i should just go & get pregnant. Like it's gonna be that easy. As if it's like going shopping, or going to garage to pick up your car. As if it's something that i can just do alone. I don't want to do this alone. But J. has to work all the time being that he's got a new job, and he can't really take anytime off for dr. appointments... and i don't know very many dr.'s with office hours outside the standard 8-5. I don't want to do this Alone.. but everytime i turn around thats exactly how i feel.. Alone.

*sigh* Current Score -- H. - Zero Infertility demon - Infinity.

The Long beginning of our journey...

Well.. hello blogger. My name is Helen. I am new to this blogging thing. I've done the occasional blog on myspace, but never quite like this. I was inspired to start a blog by one of my very good friends from work :) (thanks girlie.. you know who you are!!) My intentions for this lil blog site of mine is for it to be a healthy & creative outlet for myself in which i can complain, cry, be nervous, excited, etc. etc. etc... all whilst on the rocky road of infertility; however.. i have jumped ahead haven't i?? I guess i should start from the beginning.

I am 28 y.o. I am a nurse, and i just happen to work with Babies. (How ironic.) Approximately 5 years ago, i met my husband John. We fell in love. He proposed to me, and the wedding date was set. September 16th, 2006. For reasons that i shall not discuss, on March 17th 2006, My soon to be husband and i sat in a doctors office and had what felt like our hearts ripped out of our chests and stomped to death on the ground. I'll never forget these words from the urologists mouth. I am sorry.. there is nothing I can do. You will never have biological children together. I mean.. really?? NEVER?? There's got to be a mistake.. you mean that it will be hard right?? But not NEVER. I felt like throwing up. Matter of fact.. i was soooooo upset, and completely distraught, and not paying attention to my surroundings that i actually FELL OUT of my chair while leaning forward, ACTING like i could comprehend the lab results the doctor was shoving in my face. Talk about embarrassing.. i mean.. at that point i just started sobbing. I have never seen a doctor get so flustered... I can laugh about it now.. but then.. it felt like i was dying. Not to make this sound like it's all about me either.. J. was very very upset as well.. although, i would never know just how upset for a very long time. Men and their emotions and all.

Well as you can imagine.. my St. Paddy's day will never be the same.. Although.. i don't dread it as much as in the years past. (This year, i plan on fully taking advantage of the green beer.) :)

At that time in our life, planning a wedding, doctor's appointments every few days, our depression, our financial status because of doctor appointments & the wedding.. etc., J. actually said to me.. Helen.. you don't have to marry me. I'll understand. I've never heard such sadness in his voice. And we cried. Of course i was going to marry him.. For better for worse.. right. Life went on. We were married that September and it was a beautiful ceremony. It was a beautiful reception. Unfortunately, looking back at it all.. I really feel like i couldn't properly enjoy it because my depression and sadness wouldn't allow it. No matter where i turned, No matter where i went, No matter even if i shut my eyes... All i could see was babies. And the only words i could hear was "You will NEVER have biological children together.."

Lets fast forward two years. Jan. of 08, we had our first appointment with a very well known infertility clinic. Although, i didn't get to see the doctor i wanted to see in that practice, i decided to just keep an open mind and see what our options were in getting me pregnant. Upon our first meeting with Dr. S., i again felt traumatized and frustrated. It was not a pleasant experience. While entering the room she said to J. & I, "congratulations, you are here because you want to have a baby, Now how long have you been trying to get pregnant, and why do you think you aren't getting pregnant." (Okay, let me explain that J. & I had sat in a consultation room for approximately 45 min before ever seeing anyone, and i had hand written out our ENTIRE medical history, including j.'s surgeries, as well as i had given her every piece of paper charting i kept of my own cycles & temps.) Being a nurse i was upset, because i had ASSUMED that the doc was looking at our chart. I mean really.. 45 min and you have to come in and ASK ME why I'm HERE?? Seriously.. BAD MOVE. After i tell her politely to take a minute to check out our medical history, and filling her in on all our "trauma drama" She then turns to me and says well your only option is to use donor sperm.. (Duh) She then also says to me.. well i think you are too fat to have a baby.. (Now again.. let me tell you that i am overweight.. but not like.. HUGE. I will post a pic later.. you can judge.. lol) She tells me just by looking at me that she's convinced i have PCOS, and that i'll need to lose some weight before trying. Now.. mind you that i've NEVER had any issues with my cycles. I was very distraught. I bought all of it, kinda.. In the back of my head i was thinkin with my nurse brain going .. this person is a QUACK. She put me on so much "herbal" medication, vitamins, metformin, etc. etc. I was making myself soooo sick. I had 2 Ovarian ultrasounds... NEITHER of which EVER showed ANY evidence of cysts on my ovaries. All my hormones were normal... although she convinced me that it must have been a fluke. And that my testosterone level couldn't have been right. That it was probably high.. but there's not a good way to test for it in women. (shoulda been my first clue) Well.. 8 months of loosing weight, taking pills, and going through yet again a bout of craziness, I get told that Dr. S. was leaving the practice, and that i was getting a new dr. (Apparently Dr. S. got "Kicked" out of the practice for diagnosing EVERY patient she had with PCOS.) Hmmm.. problem??

I met with Dr. M twice at the end of last year. The first time, he told me he was sure i was pretty normal, and didn't have PCOS.. that sure, i could stand to loose some weight, but who couldn't?? He also told me that he DOES think that i might need to be on some "low dose" clomid to ensure a "healthy" egg since my cycles last 26-28 days. He also recommended me to have an HSG to make sure that my tubes are open. (Good news.. they ARE!!) He basically said.. okay.. you get your donor, and we'll get you pregnant.. but.. the damage was kinda done....

It's a good thing that i got scared and didn't go back to the doctor for a bit. J. was affected by a lay-off... i had to work mega-OT. We lost his "infertility" benefits.. so back to paying for EVERYTHING outta pocket. Talk about stressing & getting crazy again. J. & I went through some tough tough times at the end of last year/beginning of this year. Financially, Spiritually, & Emotionally. I am proud to say though.. even at our worst, we were able to overcome everything and still remain happily married. Now with 7,000 in the savings account, feeling more in love with each other, we feel like this might be the time to start trying to get pregnant. And here i am.. SCARED. Scared, saddened, excited, scared, frustrated, scared.. did i mention that i'm scared?? I'm not used to things going smoothly. I'm worried about finding out what the next hurdle will be... waiting for the floor to come out from under me again. But i'm finding that the more scared i get the more i keep telling myself to let God handle it. I am only mortal. My worries will do nothing but make me sick, sad, & frustrated. God is the creator of all things.
He will find a way to allow J. & I be parents. Whether it be using a donor & allowing me to carry the child, or us adopting a child, I know God will allow us to be parents. All this trauma, all this drama, all this pain we've gone through so far will make us better & more appreciative.

Well.. that's the beginning. Told ya it was a long one. What a journey it's been so far. I can honestly say though, writing all this down... i'm proud of myself. I'm proud because i can pick myself up and keep moving on. I'm proud of myself for not giving up. I'm proud because i was able to type all this and only cry a few times... lol. :) Welcome to my world bloggers.. it's a crazy one!! Well wishes to all.

H.

**All you need is Love** the beatles.